Sample of a typical IM conversation between me and my sister

Megan: We can either poach or grill pan [the chicken]

Me: cool
poaching makes it nice to shred
so moist
moooooooooooiiiiiist

Megan: ew

me: moyyyyyyyyyst

Megan: why
why do you do this

me: oyyyyyyyyyyyntment
moyyyyyyyyst oyyyyyyyntment

Megan: Panties!
Paaaaaaaaaaaaanties!
you don't like that word, right?

me: DAMNIT!
i hate that word!
underpants! they're called underpants!

Megan: PAAAAAAAAANTIIIIIEEEEEEEEEES

What I'm doing this afternoon: trying to figure out how to type out angry cat-fight noises

You know how when two people are engaged in some bitchy, petty little argument and some observer always makes a noise like a cat would make in a fight? How the hell does one phonetically type that out?

Reoowwwwww?

No, there's not really an "ow" sound to it. It's more of a "reeeaaaaarrr" sound. That doesn't look right either.

Raaarrrrrr?

Roooooooeeeeooowww?

Rar!

I think maybe part of my problem is that I don't actually know how to make this angry cat noise.

Let me see what happens when I google "how to type angry cat fight noises".

Okay, so that wasn't helpful at all, but I did find some sweet .wavs of cats fighting and also this site: http://pussy-cat-fight.blogspot.com/

Let me see if Megan's online and ask her.

me: question: how would you type out a cat-fight noise?
Megan: MROWR
hissssssssssssss
me: oh, the hiss is good

Chris is online, too. Let's see what he has to say.

me: how do you think one would type out an angry catfight noise?
Chris: raaarow
tssssss
or just a simple "me-ow"
me: nice. those are good

I like the addition of the hiss noise at the end. I think I'll go with the sass of the "Me-Ow" and add the hiss as a finishing touch.

Me-ow! Hisssssssss!

There it is!

Questions that I have asked my pregnant friends lately:

1. How fat have you gotten?
2. Are you concerned that because your baby is due on December 22nd, it's birthday will be too close to Christmas, and it will get totally shorted on its presents because everyone will give it combo birthday/Christmas presents?
3. (To my friend who lives in the mountains in Colorado, an hour away from the closest hospital) Dude, how are you going to get to the hospital when you go into labor? Are you worried about giving birth in the car on the side of the road? What if the mountain road is closed because there's too much snow?
4. Are you upset that you'll be too pregnant to fly home and see your family for Thanksgiving and Christmas?
5. How do you think the cats will react to the baby? The reason I'm asking is because I heard that cats get really jealous when you bring a baby home, and they will try to kill it by sitting on the baby while it's sleeping and suffocating it, or clawing the baby's eyes out.
6. You're still naming it after me, right?

Things that set the tone of my day:

1. I split my pants putting them on at the gym this morning. The only NYU gym that opens early in the summer is conveniently enough, the one that does not have air conditioning. The entire gym is like a sauna, which, hey, free sauna! But the humidity and stickiness doesn't really go away after a shower, so putting on a pair of jeans is not as easy as you would think. Sure enough, this morning I Incredible Hulked my way through my jeans, except in this case, my impression of the Hulk was not an angry, green genetic mutant, but simply a damp lady with fat thighs.

2. In the fluster that followed the splitting of the pants, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out. Not a huge deal, except it was a black shirt, and I had already put on my not-as-clear-as-promised-on-the-label deodorant. Yay! Deodorant marks all over my shirt!

3. I decided to part my hair in the other direction today. (I follow a regimen of 3 months left side parting, followed by 3 months right side parting). Did I mention it was humid? Needless to say, the part did not take, and I looked like Conan O'Brien all day.

The rest of the day was filled with more of the same--didn't realize the cap was off my water bottle and dumped it all over myself, further split my pants bending over to retie my shoe, fell asleep at the library on my lunch break and snored so loud I woke myself up. It was just one of those days.

But, anyway, hi! How are you? I think we all know well enough by now that I'm a bit of a dead beat dad with this thing. How many times can I bring you Burger King and a 40 to split and tell you I love you and I promise to try harder in the future?

Well, that backfired

I just asked my co-worked, "If our office was The Office, who would be each character?" thinking that of course she would say I was the Jim, because, uh, duh. I'm totally normal and hilarious and always up for a prank.

Instead she said, "Who would be Creed? I guess you would be."

T-shirt Obituary

I loved Volumes I and II of T-Shirt Obituaries on The Plug and I contributed one to the Volume III. Check it out.

Get it?

I just came up with a new slang term. I think that a queef should be called The Wind in the Willow.