I just ran the NYC marathon

Everything hurts too badly for it to sink in. I'm going to go drink a bunch of beer and go to bed. I love you all.

Speaking of celebrity sightings

I wish I were someone who could draw from memory. The other day during my lunch break, I saw this guy at the local branch of the public library that I go to, and he looked really familiar. But I couldn't tell if he looked familiar because he was a famous person, or because he's just someone I've seen before. Does that ever happen to you? Maybe you have to live somewhere like New York or LA where celebrity sightings happen fairly frequently. Like, one time I was walking to the subway after work with my co-worker, and we passed this guy walking in front of the business school. I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Was that one of my scholars? He looked really familiar. Did I process his visa documents?" And she was like, "Dude. That was Gabriel Byrne."

So, yeah, this guy at the library. He could have been that guy from that show, or he could have just been the maintenance guy in my office building. If I could draw from memory, I could put together a little police sketch, post it to the Internet, and you could all tell me if he famous. Problem solved.

Some sort of crazy future-technology eyeball camera thing would work, too. Like, in the future, we'll all be able to recall any image that we've ever seen, screen cap it in our brains, and upload it to Flickr or whatever through brainwave Bluetooth wireless technology. Eventually, we'll probably be able to upload video, too.

Sadly, he was not playing a bango

I sat next to Ed Helms for about 20 minutes in Washington Square Park on my lunch break. Okay, not right next to him, but a few benches away. We were the only two people sitting on that particular row of benches so it would have broken NYC's Code of Personal Space to sit on the bench next to him. I say it counts as next to him because there weren't any people sitting in between us. He looked over at me, we made eye contact, I smiled, he smiled back.

With this encounter, I set a personal best for spending the longest amount of time in close proximity to a famous person. The parameters for judging your personal records include:

1. Physical distance between you and the celebrity
2. Amount of time spent in said celebrity's company
3. Level of celebrity of the person

I would say that my previous two personal bests included the time I rode in an elevator with Lou Ferrigno for 8 floors when I was nine years old (points for proximity and level of celebrity, but amount of time was short), and the time I sat next to Elia from the 2nd season of Top Chef for half an hour at a Starbucks on Lexington (points for amount of time and proximity, but negative points for considering a reality show contestant a celebrity). An honorable mention for the time that I bowled in the lane next to the members of Grizzly Bear.

One of the few instances where I am 100% sure I would have swept the category in Jeopardy!

How do you not know the Beastie Boys and/or LL Cool J? Are you deaf? For shame, Gonzaga. For shame.

Remember, years back when I actually updated my blog and I got A LOT of shit when I made fun of the blind chick who was on Teen Jeopardy! because she pretty much sucked? It was after that one blind dude totally killed on Jeopardy!—back when the max you could stay on was five nights and he coasted through all five nights and then won…wait for it…a car—so I had high expectations. Am I going to get shit for making fun of this girl’s obvious hearing disability? Bring it.

Touché

Chris is peeing and also eating an ice cream cone at the same time. I know this because he always pees with the door open.

Me: Dude.

Chris: What? What I am supposed to do with the ice cream cone? I can't just set it down.

Me: I could hold it for you.

Chris: No way! You can't be trusted not to eat it.

Tell the Smell

I had an ill-formed idea for a game show-type challenge called, "Meatloaf or Fart?". It's sort of like a Crack or Rack? guessing game, but only with smells. The idea came to me one day when I farted after eating some pot roast, and I was like, "Man, it smells like someone's cooking something awesome in here!" It was a horrifying moment of realization when I realized I was actually smelling the smell of my own fart. But then I thought: this could be a thing. A thing that could make me rich! For the game, you'd have someone blindfolded and they'd smell various smells, some of which would be meat, and others would be farts. The person would have to guess which is which. Hilarity ensues! Instant youtube hit!

Here are some potential hurdles and considerations that I've identified:

1. Can't play it on the Internet. Yet. Preferably, someone will invent smell-o-vision in the near future, but in the meantime it will have to be played in a live setting, like on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon or The Amazing Race or something.

2. Is is possible to contain and save the smell of a fart? I don't think it is. Yet. So, someone would have to fart live, on cue. This leads to a potential audio problem, as an audible fart would give it all away. A few ways around the audible fart problem would be a. put sound-blocking headphones on the contestant. or b. fill the room with a constant stream of piped in fart noises over the P.A. so that any live fart sounds would be confused with the normal background noise.

3. The other problem with a live fart is that there's no quality control. Basically, there's no way to ensure that the person's fart will smell sort of like food, which is really what we're going for. You can't risk a not-smelly fart, or a give-away egg fart.

4. Will we have to audition farters? I don't want any part of that.

5. Possible tie-in with Top Chef? Quick fire?

Okay, so I have some things to think through/some technology to invent.

FYI: I just accidentally played the game myself and lost. I had set out my delicious lunch of spaghetti and homemade meatballs (And by "homemade" I mean "I made Megan come over and slave away in my kitchen for hours last night and make me her renowned homemade meatballs") on my desk. I left my desk area to get some water, and I came back, and sniffed, and was like, "Oh, man, someone totally cut one!" Then I realized it was the meatballs. That line is pretty thin, guys.

After 6 years, you don't even have to try anymore. It just comes naturally.

Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone while I was getting stuff ready for dinner.

Mom asks: "Isn't your anniversary coming up?"

Me, chopping garlic: "Uh, yeah, it's tomorrow actually!" (I was only aware of this because it had just come up in conversation with another friend moments earlier.)

Mom: "Are you and Chris doing anything special?"

Me: "We're going out to eat next weekend. Speaking of food, man, the best part of training for a marathon is that I can eat whatever I want. Tonight I'm making steak! Filet mignon! And I'm cooking it in butter!"

Mom: "That sounds like a nice dinner. Did you plan that for your anniversary?"

Me: "No, I just found these steaks in the freeze--wait, YES. Yes. I totally planned this for our anniversary the whole time. Completely intentional."

Fast-forward an hour to Chris getting home from work.

Chris: "Something smells good! Are you cooking?"

Me: "Yep!"

Chris: "What are we having?"

Me: "STEAK!"

Chris, gets a little misty eyed, comes over and kisses me on the mouth, "You are amazing."

Me: "I thought I'd make something special for our anniversary."

Chris, blanches: "I thought that was tomorrow."

Me: "It is."

Chris: "I didn't get you anything."

Me: "Wait, are we getting each other things? I didn't get you anything either. We're just going out to dinner."

Chris: "Okay, phew. Oh, wait, I got a six pack of beer!" (Holds it up excitedly)

Me: "Yay! Oh, look! It's [Sierra Nevada] Anniversary Ale! Aw, did you get this on purpose?"

Chris: "No, it was just the first thing that I--no, hold on, YES. Yes. I completely bought this particular beer on purpose for our anniversary."